Just thinking…

After processing what happened yesterday, this year, the last 10 years… all I can say is that every day life proves to me that I am right in knowing that there is no God. The only thing helping us along in life is ourselves, you can rely on no one, prayers aren’t heard, they aren’t answered, they only comfort you when life hands you blows… nothing more.

While I can respect that everyone has different beliefs than my own, this is where I stand in my beliefs. I have tried having faith and praying and my mother died. I have tried having faith and I was never had children. I prayed and my niece died, my father died, I have been disappointed time and time again. I have tried believing in a God that has done absolutely nothing when I have prayed. He has done absolutely nothing to fill the emptiness that is within me. What kind of God does that? I don’t want to hear that “it will happen someday…”, “He is just waiting for the right time…”, etc. It’s bullshit. I am 44 years old. I will never get to hear a child wake up and say “good morning mommy.” I will never get to watch my child open presents at Christmas, or wish them a Happy New Year, or celebrate their birthdays.The little things that people take for granted like comforting them when they are sick, or making pizza for them when their friends are over. It is just not happening.

And eventually I will come to terms with that. Eventually this scarred heart will heal, but it is damaged. It is broken. Every time I have an opportunity for this hole in my life to be filled it gets ripped away by someone who doesn’t care about the damage it leaves behind. Every time I get a baby shower invitation or announcement the scars are ripped open. Every time I see people with their children on Facebook, my heart bleeds for something that will never come. You can’t even begin to imagine how that feels. You cannot even begin to know the amount of pain that I feel when that happens. And yet, I smile and act like nothing is wrong.

But this, what happened yesterday, was a breaking point for me. I finally had a supportive husband who wanted this as much as I did. He fought through his own fears because he wanted to be a father as much as I wanted to be a mother. This event is unforgivable. I will never be the same. I don’t know if I ever can try or even if I want to try to have another child in our life. This was our Brookstyn. This was the start of our little family, the daughter we would travel with, spend days on the beach with, teach compassion and love to, who would play with our dogs, who would make us inedible breakfasts for Mother’s and Father’s Day… and it is gone. She is gone.

I will never be the same. My heart will never be the same.

Everything that is up must come down.

It is with a heavy and broken heart that I am letting you all know that the birth mother for the baby that we were adopting send me a text this morning letting us know she had decided to keep the baby. For two weeks, we were more excited about this child than anything else, ever. Personally, my heart hurts more than I can express in words, because if anyone knows me they know that all I have ever wanted in this world is to be a mother to children of my own. It looked as if my/our dream of that was finally going to happen. We were preparing like any expectant parents would. Full of hope, joy, excitement and love for this baby. Now, that will not happen. I feel defeated, like a failure because the one thing a woman should be able to do in this world is have a child, and I couldn’t for whatever reason/haven’t for whatever reason, and yes, we can always adopt a baby but that will take years, and I don’t want to wait years. Yes, we can adopt older children, but right now I am not sure I ever want to do that either, because this has just left such a bitter taste in my mouth. The one thing in life that I personally always hoped for will never happen. I have to come to terms with that on my own, and I will eventually but right now, right now I am devastated.


Unexpected surprises

Life has a funny way of throwing you for a loop every now and then. For the last few years, those loops have been those of the un-welcomed variety. But this Tuesday, we had one that really took us by surprise. The best surprise ever.

A very dear friend of mine called and asked if we would be willing to adopt the baby she is carrying. Now, I can tell you I was excited, and I can tell you how much it meant to me that someone would think I would do a good job raising a child. But words cannot even begin to express the emotions that we have been feeling since that phone call.

A little back story… Ever since I was little I always wanted kids. You know, the career, the kids, the white picket fence with the dogs in the yard. Six kids to be exact. But as time kept on crawling towards today, that reality became less likely. I would be upset and even jealous as my friends started having babies. I didn’t mean to get jealous, I really didn’t… but each time someone in our family got pregnant, or a friend… I was asked when I was going to have one. As if somehow I had a choice in when and how that was happening. I was tested, everything functioned just fine on my end. My ex and I even tried IUI, I had 12 beautiful eggs ready for fertilization, so wonderful that the doctor was almost afraid to try it. Alas, his count was so low that not even one of those eggs was able to become a child. Today, that is a blessing, but at the time it was devastation.

I would walk through the aisles at the baby stores, shopping for other people, gradually letting the reality that it would never be me seep into my soul. I don’t think anyone really understands what a failure you feel like when you can’t do what humans are set up to do. When you watch it happen to everyone around you, knowing it will never happen to you. I can’t explain the emptiness poetically, or the sadness with the depth that was felt. I would cry at night after losing someone in my life and think… I will not have anyone to carry on our name or traditions, no one will mourn for their mother who has passed away, or feel the loss that I felt when I lost my mom. I won’t ever send a child off for their first day of school, watch them open up presents on Christmas morning, have them make me awful food for Mother’s Day and pretend to love it.

I settled in that idea. I worked myself hard, and always stayed occupied with things to fill that space that would never be filled. Until Tuesday, when we got that phone call. That phone call and what it held, dissolved away all of that. We are going to be parents (not that I don’t have a wonderful daughter from another mother). But this baby, will be ours from the moment she takes her first breath until our last breath. This gift is the most precious thing that I could ever imagine.

Now, our attorney has warned us that there could be chance that she will change her mind, and we are aware of that. We hope that isn’t the case, but we have decided that we are just going to have faith that this child was meant to be in our lives. She already feels like our daughter, and our hearts are full of love for her. Our cup runneth over for her and her birth mother who cleverly refers to herself as “the mothership.”

So, as the next 16 weeks wind down we will have the nerves and anxiety of waiting and preparing for our little girl, just like every expectant parent does. And when January 7th rolls around, hopefully we will be holding our amazing surprise as she fills our hearts and emptiness that we have had for so long.

Wish us luck and any baby advice is always welcome. 🙂



Christian? Are you really? I don’t think so.

Recently, someone asked me why I “trash” Christians on Facebook. And I don’t think I trash Christians. At least, not actual Christians. I detest those who say they are Christians but do not behave like Christians are supposed to behave.

I have seen people who have stayed in pathetic marriages, allowed their children to be gluttonous, children having children out of wedlock and then make excuses for those things all while judging others, using hateful words towards family members and acting anything but “Christian”.

I have seen people claim that they are “Christian” while cheering on a bigot, racist and homophobic Presidential candidate. Cheering hateful words while claiming they are Christian is hypocritical. When Jesus wanted us to help the poor, the downtrodden, the meek… I watch these people foam at the mouths with venomous words towards those very same people.

I watch day after day as people post things mocking cultures, ethnicities, and languages. I recently heard someone use the N word like it was nothing. It is disgusting and they should be ashamed… but instead it was laughed about, as well as the ethnocentric views they were laughing about. Their ignorance on another culture was appalling. And this is why I “trash” so-called Christians. I am not sitting here claiming to be perfect, I am far from it. I am as flawed as the next. But I am not Christian. I don’t claim to be and I never want to be again. I don’t need that religion to tell me the difference between right and wrong. I know that already. I can see the hurt in peoples faces, see the tears in their eyes, watch the affects that it has on their self-worth when a “Christian” leaves these people in tatters. That is not anything I want to be a part of. These people clearly need to re-evaluate their whole concept of Christianity.

There is nothing Christian about treating others poorly.
There is nothing Christian about calling others names.
There is nothing Christian about judging others for their past.
There is nothing Christian about not forgiving others for past mistakes.
There is nothing Christian about believing your religion is the only religion people should follow when you don’t follow your own damn religion.
There is nothing Christian about acting like you are better than someone with darker skin. Jesus had brown skin, dumbasses.
There is nothing Christian about treating your family like shit.
There is nothing Christian about mothers destroying their children with their narcissism.
There is nothing Christian about gossip.
There is nothing Christian about hate-filled speech.
There is nothing Christian about judging people for their past, but refusing to look at your own.
There is nothing Christian about expecting Jesus to be your magic genie and bless you with money after you post that ignorant shit on Facebook.

These are not Christians. They are Christians in name only, not in practice. Just because you go to church does not make you a Christian. I know a few true Christians, and their actions match their words. They do what they know Jesus would want them to do, not what their preacher tells them via his interpretation of the word. Those people volunteer. Those people do not judge another because of their skin color, their language or their traditions and cultures. Those people embrace them as God’s children, as brothers and sisters, ya know… like you are supposed to.

Now, I know that some people will read this and just go back to be pseudo-Christian asshats, and that is just fine and dandy. I won’t judge you… but someday, if you really believe in your Bible, someone will. You will have a lot to answer for. Good luck with that. I am pretty sure that if your Bible is right, you won’t be happy with the results.

It is not too late to change.
Peace and love,


The 5 year plan

We have a lot going on in the next 24-36 months of our life. We are planning a move several states away shortly after I graduate with my MSW. We are looking at building a home and adopting a child/ren from foster care. Plus, I will be taking on a career in this field in which I will need to then become licensed in within 3 years. It is a busy time for us, but it is also a very exciting time.

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We have a clear image of what we want, and we are working together as a team to reach that goal. We have worked very hard to get to this point, and I am very proud of my husband for being such a supportive man. This move is something that he has wanted for a long time, as it gets closer he becomes more excited. It will be so nice to see him enjoy our new home, new location and actually relax in a place that he loves to much. We even spent some time last night creating a vision board to help us see the light at the end of the tunnel.

If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
~Henry David Thoreau

It will be fun for me to post about all of this progress once it starts up.

Stay tuned for all the fun.