Just needs to be said.

I read this great article today. Now, as many of you know my husband and I were devastated by a failed adoption, in which the birth mother called us, asked us… we were not seeking that out. We were heartbroken, and in all honesty still are and will be forever about her decision to keep the baby. For a few reasons, the first reason is that she was aware of how desperately we wanted to have a child, got our hopes up, making promises of never backing out and then stabbed us directly in the chest (not the back, she knew what she was doing). The second and more important reason is because we know the environment in which this child will now be raised. She confided money issues with me, drug use, poor relationship skills, etc.

This child will not have the life we could have given her, she will not know the power of the love that we would have had for her, and she will never know that she had the chance for a better life.

We do plan to eventually adopt children through the foster care system, and we are going to do that when we are financially secure to offer those children more than what they have come from. We will do this when we have time and the means to spend time with them, teach them amazing things, take them to amazing places… basically give them the life that they should have. Anything less than that is unacceptable.

I get very frustrated when I see people with plans to adopt who have never known the struggles of never having children, or the pain that comes along with that. I have seen people use foster care as a means of income, which sickens me… or as some sort of “hobby” or “charity” to say that they are foster parents. I have heard their reasons and it frankly pisses me off.

These children are not just wanting a home… they want a life. They want a family. If you can’t give them better than what they have come from, don’t take them in. If you don’t have the time for hockey, football, recitals, vacations, money for proms, braces, broken bones, a first car, a wedding… don’t take them in. These children should not have to come from struggle and uncertainty only to be faced with in from their “forever family” and foster children certainly have enough of being bounced around from shitty fucking foster homes to shitty fucking foster homes that they could use a family that is secured financially, healthy in their relationship and willing to give 100% to them without question.

Anything less than that is unacceptable. Now, we all know being a foster/adoptive parent doesn’t mean you have to be perfect, but for the love of all things holy… give them a better life than what they have had, otherwise you are just making things worse for them.

So, when I read this article by Families 4 Children, it really hit home for me when I hear people say that they want to adopt or foster children. Don’t bring children into your struggle, wait until you are not struggling because it just isn’t fair to them.

Fostering and adopting children is a lot of hard work: emotionally, physically and financially. So, when considering this big step, please consider the children first and your own wants and needs second. Because their lives are what should be enhanced. I am also including this article, from Fostering Perspectives, which is also a great read to understand fostering motives.



I saw this the other day in an email from Social Workers Unite. We are obligated reporters in the field. So, when we know of these things we have to report them. Keeping up on these laws and rulings is important in order for us to keep up with the Code of Ethics we are bound to. 

4431 Prenatal Drug or Alcohol Exposure

If a newborn tests positive for drugs or alcohol or the newborn has experienced physical harm due to mother’s drug or alcohol use, the intake specialist completes a P1 intake with an allegation of physical abuse (PHAB).

If a mother tests positive for drugs or alcohol at the time of the child’s birth, but the child does not test positive or show any effects due to the mother’s use, the intake specialist completes a P1 with an allegation of neglectful supervision (NSUP).

If information is received that alleges a mother used drugs or alcohol during her pregnancy, but the mother and newborn tested negative at the time of the birth and there was no information that the newborn experienced physical harm due to mother’s use, the intake specialist assesses if the report meets the criteria for an intake. The intake specialist’s assessment should include the nature and extent of the mother’s use of drugs or alcohol and the mother’s ability to provide a safe environment for the newborn and any other children in the household. If there are safety issues identified, the intake specialist completes a CPS NSUP intake. Priority (P1 or P2) is based on current safety issues.

I will make this call every time with zero regrets. 

Fork in the Road

I have two weeks until I get my new tattoo. Every time something significant happens in my life, I get a tattoo to remind me of what I went through, how I grew, and what I will never allow someone or something to affect me in that way again.

This new tattoo will remind me that most people are muck. Sluggish in nature, sediment on the bottom of a body of water, and aspiring to be nothing more than something to weigh others down. Part of my tattoo will be a lotus, they rises above the mud to bloom, clean and fragrant. They do not allow the sewage to affect them and stop them from blooming.

What happened to us a few weeks ago; having our dreams of being parents ripped away carelessly, without regard, had become a fork in the road for me personally. This person that called us, asked us, then so heartlessly rescinded, was someone that I loved. And I say that past tense, because I no longer love that person. How could I love someone that could be so callous? When it happened, I had a wave of flashbacks to every time a person reassured me that things would work out, promised their intentions were true, then turned out to be nothing but a liar. There have been many. But this was the deepest wound anyone had cut me. This was something I have waiting 20 years for. This person knew what she was asking of us, how much I had dreamed of the day… it was an intentional action.

This tattoo is going to represent pain and peace; mud and beauty; chaos and balance. It will represent our resilience and refusal to let negative people bring down the things they cannot. I cannot wait to see how it turns out. The healing process will not only be on my skin but in my soul. It will leave a scar but it will never be forgotten. I will never forgive this person, I will never talk to her again, I will never allow someone like her to hurt me in this way, ever again.

Every time I look at my tattoo I will know that I made my way through another arduous situation. It did not break me. It never could.

Letting go and moving on…

Life is full of high’s and low’s. We have experienced them in full force over the last few years. The last 3 months were an onslaught of them. But we are moving on. I have decided that I will cut people out of my life, and never let them back in. Despite my care and concern for them, they are toxic people. They are negative, self-serving and selfish. I will no longer allow myself to be manipulated by those people.

My husband and I are giving people. We are empathetic and always want to help if we can. We aren’t going to be doing that for anyone that does not reciprocate. That may sound harsh to many who know us, but we have become different people in that respect after recent events. We allowed one person to come into our lives, touch our hearts in such a vulnerable place and then destroy it with a text message. What a selfish person, putting her own desires over a child she clearly stated she could not care for. We will never allow anyone like that to do that to us again. It will never happen again.

We WILL adopt children through foster care. They will already have their parental rights terminated. They will not be biological children from someone we thought we knew. They will be OUR children! Period.

We will move forward with our plans and have the life we have designed.

Karma is a fickle bitch and I know that I do not have to have bad thoughts or wish ill on the person who broke our hearts because she lacks empathy. Karma has a plan and she will find her and catch up with her in the end. That is how the universe works.

Thank you to all the true friends and sincere people that have been there for us, making sure that our hearts our healing. They are. Lessons have been learned, we have learned who can be trusted, and those who cannot. There is no place in our lives for the latter.


Just thinking…

After processing what happened yesterday, this year, the last 10 years… all I can say is that every day life proves to me that I am right in knowing that there is no God. The only thing helping us along in life is ourselves, you can rely on no one, prayers aren’t heard, they aren’t answered, they only comfort you when life hands you blows… nothing more.

While I can respect that everyone has different beliefs than my own, this is where I stand in my beliefs. I have tried having faith and praying and my mother died. I have tried having faith and I was never had children. I prayed and my niece died, my father died, I have been disappointed time and time again. I have tried believing in a God that has done absolutely nothing when I have prayed. He has done absolutely nothing to fill the emptiness that is within me. What kind of God does that? I don’t want to hear that “it will happen someday…”, “He is just waiting for the right time…”, etc. It’s bullshit. I am 44 years old. I will never get to hear a child wake up and say “good morning mommy.” I will never get to watch my child open presents at Christmas, or wish them a Happy New Year, or celebrate their birthdays.The little things that people take for granted like comforting them when they are sick, or making pizza for them when their friends are over. It is just not happening.

And eventually I will come to terms with that. Eventually this scarred heart will heal, but it is damaged. It is broken. Every time I have an opportunity for this hole in my life to be filled it gets ripped away by someone who doesn’t care about the damage it leaves behind. Every time I get a baby shower invitation or announcement the scars are ripped open. Every time I see people with their children on Facebook, my heart bleeds for something that will never come. You can’t even begin to imagine how that feels. You cannot even begin to know the amount of pain that I feel when that happens. And yet, I smile and act like nothing is wrong.

But this, what happened yesterday, was a breaking point for me. I finally had a supportive husband who wanted this as much as I did. He fought through his own fears because he wanted to be a father as much as I wanted to be a mother. This event is unforgivable. I will never be the same. I don’t know if I ever can try or even if I want to try to have another child in our life. This was our Brookstyn. This was the start of our little family, the daughter we would travel with, spend days on the beach with, teach compassion and love to, who would play with our dogs, who would make us inedible breakfasts for Mother’s and Father’s Day… and it is gone. She is gone.

I will never be the same. My heart will never be the same.