Late night thoughts

Ever since September, when we had our hearts broken by a selfish and cruel person, I have struggled internally with forgiving. Honestly, I will never forgive that person. For many reasons, but I know that none of this even bothers her. She has no empathy, because she doesn’t care about the heartbreak she caused and at this point her words mean shit. She can never be trusted because the knife is still in our backs. So, I will never forgive her. And I have come to realize that it is ok not to forgive someone. It is perfectly acceptable to think “fuck you, you horrible, dysfunctional asshole”… may not be the nicest thing to think, but it is a healthy reaction when someone callously changes your life in such a dramatic fashion. 

It’s been 8 months and I am still pissed. But I am slowly releasing the anger, and it is replaced with disappointment that she turned out to be nothing like the person I thought she was and everything like what people warned me that she was. That was a hard lesson. 

I felt duped by her. I opened my heart and home to her, spent countless hours helping her deal with her personal issues, never judged her for the things she did and still that wasn’t enough to stop someone from hurting you where you were most vulnerable. 

After reading several things regarding my own personal processing of the event I have learned that this is her burden to bear and I really hope one day she realizes the magnitude of her actions, but I highly doubt she possesses that kind of emotional functioning. 

My anger and sadness has morphed into pity and indifference towards the person I knew. She is not that person, she never was. She was a liar and a con artist, that will never change. She will never change. But I can. I can make a better life for myself. We can travel and enjoy new experiences. So, for that I am thankful. If it weren’t for DH, I don’t know what I would have done. He has helped me to see that my reactions are normal and understandable. He has held me when I was falling apart. He is my rock. This woman was nothing more than the slime that lives beneath the rocks. 

And on that note, G’night. 
p.s. Yes, I am still salty, but every day I get better. Cutting her out of my life was the single best thing I ever did. 

18 Days

It has been six long years, three different colleges, two years living hours away from home but it is now down to 18 days until my last class for my MSW. I will walk the only time through this whole adventure on May 20th. I will have a masters degree. That still has not sunk in. I have worked hard. My husband has worked harder to keep things floating that whole time.

I have so much to be thankful for along this journey, and I have learned SO MUCH. I have changed, I have grown and developed into such a more aware person. Aware of things that I never even gave much thought to before. This has been a great blessing and also a curse in the last 6 years. As I have learned things, I have tried to have conversations about it, share what I have learned and expand others thinking on certain topics… and to say that was an epic fail is an understatement. I have realized that if you have never come from a place of want, or a place of need… if you have grown up with everything you have ever wanted, whenever you wanted it… you don’t know what it is like to NEED things. You have never missed a weeks worth of meals, or had to eat out of a garbage can, or beg for food. You have never had to decide between life saving medications and your heat. You don’t know what it is like to grow up with minimal educational opportunities with outdated materials and no computers or field trips or music classes or sports programs or even well equipped libraries.

I know I was among those people, well except for the fact that I had hand-me-down clothes, didn’t have Nintendo when it came out or Guess jeans, because my parents couldn’t afford it. Other than that, they did give us whatever they could, whenever they could. I had opportunities for a good education, in a safe neighborhood, in a safe school… I digress.

My point is, I have learned that just because I personally didn’t experience it doesn’t meant that I can’t empathize and advocate for those that have and continue to experience it. When I am faced with people telling me that these types of people should “pull up their boot straps” or that “they don’t feel bad for them,” I really just want to educate them. That ends up being a mistake. I realize that those people don’t want to be educated. It’s not my job to do that. My job is to learn, keep expanding MY understanding of the world and those that live in it. I can’t do that for anyone but myself. The lenses I choose to view this world in are now shaped by my education and experiences and I wouldn’t change that for anything.

So, for the next 18 days, I will learn as much as I can before I get this degree. I will soak up what I can until my next educational experiences. Which may not be too far off. I have applied for a Master of Science in Complementary Alternative Medicine and I will hear if I have been accepted in the next week. My goals are fluid in design, my dreams of helping people are becoming a reality. I need to remember that I only have one life, and I can’t spend that life trying to get people to see what I see, feel what I feel. I can only do everything I can to make this world a different place, even if only for one person.

18 days is the beginning of something wonderful for me, an end to one chapter and the start of a new one. I am ready. I was born ready.

Just needs to be said.

I read this great article today. Now, as many of you know my husband and I were devastated by a failed adoption, in which the birth mother called us, asked us… we were not seeking that out. We were heartbroken, and in all honesty still are and will be forever about her decision to keep the baby. For a few reasons, the first reason is that she was aware of how desperately we wanted to have a child, got our hopes up, making promises of never backing out and then stabbed us directly in the chest (not the back, she knew what she was doing). The second and more important reason is because we know the environment in which this child will now be raised. She confided money issues with me, drug use, poor relationship skills, etc.

This child will not have the life we could have given her, she will not know the power of the love that we would have had for her, and she will never know that she had the chance for a better life.

We do plan to eventually adopt children through the foster care system, and we are going to do that when we are financially secure to offer those children more than what they have come from. We will do this when we have time and the means to spend time with them, teach them amazing things, take them to amazing places… basically give them the life that they should have. Anything less than that is unacceptable.

I get very frustrated when I see people with plans to adopt who have never known the struggles of never having children, or the pain that comes along with that. I have seen people use foster care as a means of income, which sickens me… or as some sort of “hobby” or “charity” to say that they are foster parents. I have heard their reasons and it frankly pisses me off.

These children are not just wanting a home… they want a life. They want a family. If you can’t give them better than what they have come from, don’t take them in. If you don’t have the time for hockey, football, recitals, vacations, money for proms, braces, broken bones, a first car, a wedding… don’t take them in. These children should not have to come from struggle and uncertainty only to be faced with in from their “forever family” and foster children certainly have enough of being bounced around from shitty fucking foster homes to shitty fucking foster homes that they could use a family that is secured financially, healthy in their relationship and willing to give 100% to them without question.

Anything less than that is unacceptable. Now, we all know being a foster/adoptive parent doesn’t mean you have to be perfect, but for the love of all things holy… give them a better life than what they have had, otherwise you are just making things worse for them.

So, when I read this article by Families 4 Children, it really hit home for me when I hear people say that they want to adopt or foster children. Don’t bring children into your struggle, wait until you are not struggling because it just isn’t fair to them.

Fostering and adopting children is a lot of hard work: emotionally, physically and financially. So, when considering this big step, please consider the children first and your own wants and needs second. Because their lives are what should be enhanced. I am also including this article, from Fostering Perspectives, which is also a great read to understand fostering motives.



I saw this the other day in an email from Social Workers Unite. We are obligated reporters in the field. So, when we know of these things we have to report them. Keeping up on these laws and rulings is important in order for us to keep up with the Code of Ethics we are bound to. 

4431 Prenatal Drug or Alcohol Exposure

If a newborn tests positive for drugs or alcohol or the newborn has experienced physical harm due to mother’s drug or alcohol use, the intake specialist completes a P1 intake with an allegation of physical abuse (PHAB).

If a mother tests positive for drugs or alcohol at the time of the child’s birth, but the child does not test positive or show any effects due to the mother’s use, the intake specialist completes a P1 with an allegation of neglectful supervision (NSUP).

If information is received that alleges a mother used drugs or alcohol during her pregnancy, but the mother and newborn tested negative at the time of the birth and there was no information that the newborn experienced physical harm due to mother’s use, the intake specialist assesses if the report meets the criteria for an intake. The intake specialist’s assessment should include the nature and extent of the mother’s use of drugs or alcohol and the mother’s ability to provide a safe environment for the newborn and any other children in the household. If there are safety issues identified, the intake specialist completes a CPS NSUP intake. Priority (P1 or P2) is based on current safety issues.

I will make this call every time with zero regrets. 

Fork in the Road

I have two weeks until I get my new tattoo. Every time something significant happens in my life, I get a tattoo to remind me of what I went through, how I grew, and what I will never allow someone or something to affect me in that way again.

This new tattoo will remind me that most people are muck. Sluggish in nature, sediment on the bottom of a body of water, and aspiring to be nothing more than something to weigh others down. Part of my tattoo will be a lotus, they rises above the mud to bloom, clean and fragrant. They do not allow the sewage to affect them and stop them from blooming.

What happened to us a few weeks ago; having our dreams of being parents ripped away carelessly, without regard, had become a fork in the road for me personally. This person that called us, asked us, then so heartlessly rescinded, was someone that I loved. And I say that past tense, because I no longer love that person. How could I love someone that could be so callous? When it happened, I had a wave of flashbacks to every time a person reassured me that things would work out, promised their intentions were true, then turned out to be nothing but a liar. There have been many. But this was the deepest wound anyone had cut me. This was something I have waiting 20 years for. This person knew what she was asking of us, how much I had dreamed of the day… it was an intentional action.

This tattoo is going to represent pain and peace; mud and beauty; chaos and balance. It will represent our resilience and refusal to let negative people bring down the things they cannot. I cannot wait to see how it turns out. The healing process will not only be on my skin but in my soul. It will leave a scar but it will never be forgotten. I will never forgive this person, I will never talk to her again, I will never allow someone like her to hurt me in this way, ever again.

Every time I look at my tattoo I will know that I made my way through another arduous situation. It did not break me. It never could.