Posted on October 10, 2016
I have two weeks until I get my new tattoo. Every time something significant happens in my life, I get a tattoo to remind me of what I went through, how I grew, and what I will never allow someone or something to affect me in that way again.
This new tattoo will remind me that most people are muck. Sluggish in nature, sediment on the bottom of a body of water, and aspiring to be nothing more than something to weigh others down. Part of my tattoo will be a lotus, they rises above the mud to bloom, clean and fragrant. They do not allow the sewage to affect them and stop them from blooming.
What happened to us a few weeks ago; having our dreams of being parents ripped away carelessly, without regard, had become a fork in the road for me personally. This person that called us, asked us, then so heartlessly rescinded, was someone that I loved. And I say that past tense, because I no longer love that person. How could I love someone that could be so callous? When it happened, I had a wave of flashbacks to every time a person reassured me that things would work out, promised their intentions were true, then turned out to be nothing but a liar. There have been many. But this was the deepest wound anyone had cut me. This was something I have waiting 20 years for. This person knew what she was asking of us, how much I had dreamed of the day… it was an intentional action.
This tattoo is going to represent pain and peace; mud and beauty; chaos and balance. It will represent our resilience and refusal to let negative people bring down the things they cannot. I cannot wait to see how it turns out. The healing process will not only be on my skin but in my soul. It will leave a scar but it will never be forgotten. I will never forgive this person, I will never talk to her again, I will never allow someone like her to hurt me in this way, ever again.
Every time I look at my tattoo I will know that I made my way through another arduous situation. It did not break me. It never could.
Updated on October 9, 2016
Life is full of high’s and low’s. We have experienced them in full force over the last few years. The last 3 months were an onslaught of them. But we are moving on. I have decided that I will cut people out of my life, and never let them back in. Despite my care and concern for them, they are toxic people. They are negative, self-serving and selfish. I will no longer allow myself to be manipulated by those people.
My husband and I are giving people. We are empathetic and always want to help if we can. We aren’t going to be doing that for anyone that does not reciprocate. That may sound harsh to many who know us, but we have become different people in that respect after recent events. We allowed one person to come into our lives, touch our hearts in such a vulnerable place and then destroy it with a text message. What a selfish person, putting her own desires over a child she clearly stated she could not care for. We will never allow anyone like that to do that to us again. It will never happen again.
We WILL adopt children through foster care. They will already have their parental rights terminated. They will not be biological children from someone we thought we knew. They will be OUR children! Period.
We will move forward with our plans and have the life we have designed.
Karma is a fickle bitch and I know that I do not have to have bad thoughts or wish ill on the person who broke our hearts because she lacks empathy. Karma has a plan and she will find her and catch up with her in the end. That is how the universe works.
Thank you to all the true friends and sincere people that have been there for us, making sure that our hearts our healing. They are. Lessons have been learned, we have learned who can be trusted, and those who cannot. There is no place in our lives for the latter.
Updated on September 25, 2016
After processing what happened yesterday, this year, the last 10 years… all I can say is that every day life proves to me that I am right in knowing that there is no God. The only thing helping us along in life is ourselves, you can rely on no one, prayers aren’t heard, they aren’t answered, they only comfort you when life hands you blows… nothing more.
While I can respect that everyone has different beliefs than my own, this is where I stand in my beliefs. I have tried having faith and praying and my mother died. I have tried having faith and I was never had children. I prayed and my niece died, my father died, I have been disappointed time and time again. I have tried believing in a God that has done absolutely nothing when I have prayed. He has done absolutely nothing to fill the emptiness that is within me. What kind of God does that? I don’t want to hear that “it will happen someday…”, “He is just waiting for the right time…”, etc. It’s bullshit. I am 44 years old. I will never get to hear a child wake up and say “good morning mommy.” I will never get to watch my child open presents at Christmas, or wish them a Happy New Year, or celebrate their birthdays.The little things that people take for granted like comforting them when they are sick, or making pizza for them when their friends are over. It is just not happening.
And eventually I will come to terms with that. Eventually this scarred heart will heal, but it is damaged. It is broken. Every time I have an opportunity for this hole in my life to be filled it gets ripped away by someone who doesn’t care about the damage it leaves behind. Every time I get a baby shower invitation or announcement the scars are ripped open. Every time I see people with their children on Facebook, my heart bleeds for something that will never come. You can’t even begin to imagine how that feels. You cannot even begin to know the amount of pain that I feel when that happens. And yet, I smile and act like nothing is wrong.
But this, what happened yesterday, was a breaking point for me. I finally had a supportive husband who wanted this as much as I did. He fought through his own fears because he wanted to be a father as much as I wanted to be a mother. This event is unforgivable. I will never be the same. I don’t know if I ever can try or even if I want to try to have another child in our life. This was our Brookstyn. This was the start of our little family, the daughter we would travel with, spend days on the beach with, teach compassion and love to, who would play with our dogs, who would make us inedible breakfasts for Mother’s and Father’s Day… and it is gone. She is gone.
I will never be the same. My heart will never be the same.
Posted on September 24, 2016
It is with a heavy and broken heart that I am letting you all know that the birth mother for the baby that we were adopting send me a text this morning letting us know she had decided to keep the baby. For two weeks, we were more excited about this child than anything else, ever. Personally, my heart hurts more than I can express in words, because if anyone knows me they know that all I have ever wanted in this world is to be a mother to children of my own. It looked as if my/our dream of that was finally going to happen. We were preparing like any expectant parents would. Full of hope, joy, excitement and love for this baby. Now, that will not happen. I feel defeated, like a failure because the one thing a woman should be able to do in this world is have a child, and I couldn’t for whatever reason/haven’t for whatever reason, and yes, we can always adopt a baby but that will take years, and I don’t want to wait years. Yes, we can adopt older children, but right now I am not sure I ever want to do that either, because this has just left such a bitter taste in my mouth. The one thing in life that I personally always hoped for will never happen. I have to come to terms with that on my own, and I will eventually but right now, right now I am devastated.